For all the bad that’s happened over the past months, one convenient thing is that it happened around the later part of the year. With the start of 2016, I feel like I have a perfect opportunity to shake it all off and move forward with a fresh start.

Normally I make 5 resolutions for New Year’s, but this year I don’t even want to look at the ones I made before. I know 2015 was basically a write-off.

I don’t know if I have anything profound to say, I just really wanted some positivity on here to reflect the more positive state of my life right now.

Things aren’t perfect, sure. I still miss my dad, my family is still going through rough times, and people I care about are hurting.

But I can move forward now. I tried my best, and I’ve accepted what I cannot change. I’ve healed some, and I’m done wallowing in limbo.

2016 will be a year of big changes, which can either be scary or exciting, depending on your perspective. My resolution is to stay excited, and to simply make 2016 a good year.

Thank you to everyone who shared their kind words and well wishes through these rough times. I may not have been able to respond to everyone, but your support means the world to me. I hope 2016 is a good year for everyone.

After the emotional hell that was the month of October, November started out pretty good. I was communicating better with my therapist and the other people involved in what’s been going on, and I felt like I was doing everything I needed to do to sort out my problems.

And then my dad died.

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Now that it’s officially behind me, I can say that October was without question the most difficult month of my life. It sounds overly dramatic, but literally every day was a struggle to get through, and by being such a constant wreck I thoroughly tested the patience of the people closest to me.

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I don’t usually use this blog to talk about anything other than body issues, but right now I’m in a pretty sorry state and I need to vent, so I apologize for the diversion.

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One of the biggest troubles with keeping motivated with body-related goals is just how long things take to notice a real change. Doesn’t matter if it’s weight lifting, gaining or dieting, you’re not going to see immediate enough results to really light a fire under you.

A good way of motivating yourself is to think about a medium- to long-term event in the future, and picture yourself there and then with the body that you’re aiming for. Every minor victory along the way is a reaffirmation that you’re on your way to making that visualization a reality.

For the past 10 years, what I thought about was my high school reunion. It was a very motivating thought–showing up to a gathering of people who only knew me as a lanky, mop-headed kid (like in my senior picture above), and thinking about how they would react to how different I am now.

When I first left for college and started growing my hair out, I thought about being there with a long ponytail or something. Not too exciting, but it got me through the frustrating phase of just having really ugly medium-length hair that I couldn’t do anything with.

When I first started working out, I thought about being there looking pretty fit with some modest muscle. Nothing substantial, but enough where people wouldn’t call me skinny anymore.

When I started gaining was the most fun, because I thought about showing up as an enormous 400-pound blimp. The thought of the absolute shock of my old classmates, the talking behind my back, the ribbing “Wow, you really let yourself go!”–it all was so fun to think about.

Most recently, I thought about going back as the kind of burly beardo I am today. I’ve gone through so many changes, I feel like I don’t look anything like I did when I graduated 10 years ago. I often wondered just how people would react, if anyone would recognize me (not even just because of the look, but because I had very few friends in general).

This weekend was supposed to be that reunion, but because of some poor planning (and more likely due to Facebook making the whole thing kind of redundant), it ended up being cancelled. Oh well.

Even if I didn’t get to act upon those fantasies, they still really kept me going. Now I just need a new long-term goal to set my sights on.

Marriage equality is something I’ve yearned for since the day I came out. Being the hopeless romantic I am, the idea of getting married was always something I dreamed about. That day, though, I had to accept the fact that perhaps it may not happen for me.

I am thrilled, thankful, and honestly quite shocked that that is no longer a worry.

When I was in high school, the 2004 elections were going on. The state constitutional bans against it were a major issue, especially in my state. Being only 17 at the time, I was unable to cast my vote, and I felt powerless to contribute.

In the end, it would have been futile anyhow. Kentucky voted to ban gay marriage by a crushing 75%. I knew it would a long, long time before anything changed there, and I still can’t quite believe that it has.

Unfortunately for me, it is hard to celebrate this victory. I very recently made the impossibly gut-wrenching decision to end my relationship with my best friend, just before what would have been our 10th anniversary.

As you might expect, the past few months without question have been the hardest of my life. While I am recovering and feeling better about the future, my partner is… struggling. For his sake, I won’t go into the details, but it is difficult to feel okay while he is in such pain.

To those of you who read this, I ask that you to not worry about me. It will take time for this wound to heal, but I will be okay.

Instead, though you likely don’t know him, I beg you to please keep him in your thoughts. He is a wonderful, kind man who has already experienced enough pain in his life, more than I’ll ever know. He does not deserve this. He deserves happiness, and I hope he knows that.

A lot of people have pointed out to me that this poor blog of mine has become a repository for my body complaints. And, well, yeah, I don’t disagree. For someone who lusts so heavily for size, the past couple years of dieting have been kind of rough in terms of my general mood about my body.

Lately, though, things have been pretty good, so let’s try and add some happy here.

After years of fumbling through my diets (because let’s be real, someone who went from gaining to dieting ain’t gonna be very good at losing weight), I really buckled down for these last two months and have done the best I can, and I finally feel like I’m reaching the finish line.

By a lot of people’s standards, I’ve still got a pretty excessive amount of body fat for a ‘buff guy,’ but lately I feel like I’m approaching a point where I genuinely like how I look naked, something I can’t say I’ve felt since before I started losing weight.

There’s been so much recently that has given me a confidence boost. My midsection feels tighter, and my lovehandles are shrinking. I got some new shirts for work that are reasonably flattering. People are actually starting to consider me a muscular guy–my boyfriend’s friends and my coworkers have all made comments. And I finally feel like I look pretty good in that jockstrap, something I’ve wanted for a long time.

The thing that’s most exciting, though, is that I can say I am finally comfortable with the idea of bulking again, without reservation. I’m looking at starting up in August, and I couldn’t be more excited to see what happens then.